Where you are is where I want to be

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It has been all of January, 31 days, plus 8 days of February.

That’s not even 6 weeks that you’ve been gone. In fact, 6 weeks ago was Thursday morning, December 29, at 5:58am. We had watched a few episodes of Breaking Bad, eaten some leftover pizza, and after I had chilled in my room a while I suppose I’d crashed out.

Most likely, I woke up around 2pm. Daddy worked that Thursday evening and I spent the entire evening relaxing in the recliner, pausing everything at one point in the evening because I could hear you softly snoring from the dining room chair. How I’d give anything to go back and have that recorded. So when I was feeling crappy, I’d have your soothing, slightly noisy snoring that always made me smile to listen to.

But I didn’t record it, because I had no way of knowing that this would be the last time I would ever witness you breathing comfortably again, curled up on the chair.

I’m not going to lie. Only in the past week have I been able to make a bargain with myself that for now, being alive is preferable to dying. I cannot live without you and I really don’t want to. You were everything to me. Everything. Perfect in every way possible.

Yet I just can’t get over the mental hump that terrorizes me over and over that I betrayed you and the last look in your eyes as we passed the carrier over to the vet tech. You mewed and I know you were scared.

I swear if I could have gotten up on that table, held you gently in my arms and kissed you softly along your face as you slipped away so long as they promised they’d end my life too, it wouldn’t have even been a second thought. Easy decision. Take me. Take me so I can end the shitty life I had, but at least had you which was the joy, and now that my true loving baby J is gone, hell, why?

Of course it comes down to the real joy in my life, Alex, who also struggles in his own way with feelings of betraying you when he had to trick you into the carrier after loving you and essentially enjoying your last moments together. It calmed you immensely, but then he says he felt it slip away as you protested as much as you could with shock of being put in something you both loathed and were terrified of, all while you could barely breathe.

I know I have to go on and be there for him, he needs me, but J I just want to be where you are. I wish that I could spontaneously combust and disappear, and although we don’t know where it is we end up, I dream and pray that it will be with you.

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