As the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 1997, he wished me Happy New Year, or he may not have, but he kissed me hard, deep, and over and over again, with the same bursts of body shock as the others. He would have kissed me to the moon and back that night. Why we never, ever went any further, ever, I will never figure out.
I’m about to begin reading ‘Love Is A Mix Tape’ by Rob Sheffield. He tells the love story of him and his wife, and how he grieves for her, through various mix tapes. There’s something about creating a mix tape for someone that takes so much more effort and care than making a playlist.
With a tape, if we’re going way back, when you had to record off the radio-think of the timing involved. High tech CDs? Still involves a bit of skill. Making a playlist still has the obvious forethought of carefully creating the personal touch, but scrolling and touching ‘add to playlist’ isn’t as sweet…or something. I must be getting old.
I’ve been working on a playlist for him since May. I’ve since added a few and deleted a few once I got a feel of them, but I’m honestly not sure why I have done so. I wonder if he has the same association to the ones I chose as songs that will always make me think of him? If he had to name songs that made him think of me, what would he say?
Perhaps he’d say that since he told me in 2007 that he really didn’t want anything to do with me when I suggested we meet for a coffee, he REALLY hasn’t given me a whole lot of thought, he’s had lots of other really important things going on in his life, like really advancing his career, most likely getting married and having a kid or two, at least one of which would for sure have his wit and maybe even the eyebrow squint that went along with it.
Until this past May, when I randomly Googled him and saw he had a new job, I hadn’t thought a ton about him, until I was packing and sorting through bins in April-Aug 2021. Joining my home AA group, where there is a member who looks as if she could be the daughter of my sweet girl, J. Braids and all. That had me pulling out photos. I think S was definitely too special that I never would have wanted to share him with anyone. C and J (and D, and S) were limited editions and while I can say I am glad for the experience, S would have been a relationship built upon the easy friendship we had. It was safe. It was fun. I took it for granted, and I lost it all.
Tomorrow is 26 years ago that S and I traipsed through all that snow to have a few drinks and then ‘boom’!
Love ya to the moon and back, always.
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