I admire people who seem so eloquent with their words when I read their blogs. They seem to just know what to say. Since this is the first blog I’ve ever written, I will start by saying that I have a lot on my mind today.
I have been struggling a ton lately with alternating bouts of crushing depression where I sleep excessively and just can’t manage to wash my face for 3 days straight despite my best intentions of repeatedly telling myself (and anyone who will listen, really) that ’tomorrow is the day that I am going to get on a new sleep/wake schedule’. Hasn’t happened yet.
Truth be told, I just don’t feel like there’s much to get up FOR. I have been on disability leave for close to 3 years. I used to be a productive, working-for-a-living type of girl. Now, I don’t know what day of the week it is most days, and with no commitments of any kind besides a dentist appointment or picking up an online grocery order from Walmart, well, you get the point…
I have, however, found a few A.A. groups in the new city I moved to last fall. I have been sober for 5 years, 7 months and 14 days, one day at a time, so I figured if I wanted to keep the one good thing that’s kept me from going completely off the rails (much more on that later, promise!), I should find a reason to get my butt out of bed and my condo at least a few times a week.
Isolation is my go-to. Today, I’m going to try to remember that my depression likes to lie to me. It tells me I should sleep all day, ignore self care, exist on coffee and Maltesers and Wine Gums and binge-watch ’The Ultimatum’ (yes, all 8 episodes in a row)…
As my beautiful momma in heaven would say, Carry On and Talk Soon,
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